#10 ·
I am so lost
I think my perfectionism becomes my greed. Every essay I write, I desire to publish academically, when it's so much more pleasurable to write just for sake of it. An essay that starts as something I simply want to write from all books I read turns into cross-reference verification because I am a perfectionist. I must anticipate all claims against my ideas in advance⸺ and before too long, I am managing a bibliography of over 100 sources. And once that happens, I feel like I ought to publish it. How odd⸺ it defeats purpose of creating this website. I don't know, I don't know if I can stand by my own values. Publication has become a justification for time I spend writing and thinking, but what purpose does it serve?
Some argue that writing for its own sake can feel strangely insufficient in a culture that asks us to make everything productive, demonstrable, and valuable to someone else⸺ I only partially agree, however, since everything has a purpose. I agree in the sense that not everything has to be monetized, of course, or become a game of prestige. Sure, that is why I built this website, where I have the freedom to write as I please. But freedom for what? To be valuable to someone? Value is not limited to prestige or monetization⸺ it is in becoming valuable to someone, be it through truth or ego (corruption of glory of truth), for one feels satisfied either way.
You never write for sake of writing. I write because I want to know truths better, for myself, and formally sitting down and researching helps me learn new things. I love it, and I love it even more when others can read it. But I doubt the second half of it⸺ the "others" whom I write for will ever find my posts at all and it's a valid concern, surely it is.
You never write for sake of writing. I write because I want to know truths better, for myself, and formally sitting down and researching helps me learn new things. I love it, and I love it even more when others can read it. But I doubt the second half of it⸺ the "others" whom I write for will ever find my posts at all and it's a valid concern, surely it is.
Maybe I should get some rest, perhaps.